Motherhood in Question?

I was thinking, over this holiday weekend how good it is to have family together, I just feel so happy to be surrounded by the people I love.  Even as we do our own independent activities within our home, I can sense we are close to one another and can feel that warmth and love just radiating from our very beings.  I had a difficult time while incarcerated, in fact the hardest part of being locked up was missing my children,  the pain was just deep down in the depth of my soul.  I had no idea I would have to survive three years away, I don't think I could have even wrapped my thoughts around such a void when I was first ushered into the pits of Dallas County Jail following my trial.  I thought surely I would be out on an appeals bond in no time. I couldn't even imagine the Judge setting a bond so high my family couldn't touch it. After all, in the four years prior to my trial I had been on a personal recognizance bond for most of that time and had never violated the terms, showing up in court every two weeks.

One of the biggest issues of this countries' excessive incarceration practices is the destructive force it has on the families in America.  Such a destructive force, indeed.  Pulling parents away from their children.  I used to think the children were better off without those "criminal" parents.  Once in there, meeting many good, family oriented, kind and nurturing women I had to really rethink the stereotype I had implanted in my brain.  Besides, there I was too and not because of any loathsome lifestyle.

About a year into my incarceration, and still at Dallas County, I finally sat down and wrote a book except, more as a therapy for me than anything else.  I needed to sort out my feelings about being ripped away from motherhood, it seemed like the emptiness I felt was going to eat me up, not to mention the lingering anger.  Following is that excerpt:

     In our society and perhaps all societies a woman's role inside the family includes one of nurturing - to care for and develop the children.  Girl children are expected, from an early age, to help their mom with younger children and around the house, while their play most often includes caring for their baby dolls.  As little girls we are taught we are valuable if we help others, quite often that is how we receive our acceptance among the adults in our life.  There are inherent messages of - it is okay to exist so long as we are needed and useful.  The more needed we are, the more purpose we have, the more our existence on this earth is affirmed.  Thus, perpetuating the need to be needed.  It wraps around and possibly smothers our very being.  It even creates a neediness about us.  We become extreme givers while some of us attach to extreme takers, resenting it all the while, yet somehow needing it.  It is a vicious cycle.  We have a hard time receiving anything for ourselves.  Our need to give is primary, with taking care of ourselves secondary, at best. 

     As a child the intrinsic and unstated belief is that it is what we do to survive, to keep from being abandoned.  Therefore, one learns to give without boundaries, at what can become a high cost to self, perhaps abandoning self.  The very issue of abandonment becomes so internalized, growing our neediness.  We look for constant affirmations in our relationships, thereby placing the burden on our loved ones to constantly affirm our existence.  This creates a needy mom, one who may figuratively suffocate their children with "love", one who flounders once they become empty-nesters.

     It is with this said that I explore my growing resentment toward Ron [my husband] in hopes I can prevent the festering of this in our relationship.  If all emotions are based either in fear or love, then resentment is clearly that of fear.  What do I fear?  I fear that Ron will replace me in the eyes of my boys.  I fear I will no longer be needed or valued.  I fear if I am no longer needed then I have no reason for being.  My career has been destroyed and now it feels like motherhood has been stolen from me.  I feel so much grief, bone deep.  These are the two ways I have defined myself, as  a mom and as a business woman.  All was torn away from me once I was convicted and sentenced.  So, where does that leave me?  In Dallas County jail, with only myself to take care of.

     An opportunity to re-parent myself.  I know that sounds crazy but here it is, an opening in my life to find value in me, just being, not performing.  To not be needed by others, yet still be alive, very much alive.  It's beginning to look as though I have an opportunity staring me in the face.  And, when I look at it that way, I feel only gratitude toward Ron.  This reminds me of a quote from my friend, Bears Kaufman:  "when we stand in gratitude, there is no room for unhappiness." 

     So, I have a choice, I can steep myself in fear or I can steep myself in love.  What a grand choice and here I was thinking all choices were taken away from me when I was incarcerated.  As I wallowed in resentment I became unaware of choice.  But allowing myself to explore this I find they cannot take away my attitude and beliefs.

     As I tread through this case against me I have gone through a series of letting go.  First it was my career, then material possessions, as I scrambled to pay legal fees and find any job as a means to support us.   Then it was my physical freedom.  Now, I have the opportunity to let go of my resentment, my fear.  Not just any fear, but a made-up fear. 

     In letting go of that fear I have created a space to redefine myself, to redefine my purpose, to clear out more of the clutter and come to trust myself and my belief in God.  Yet another lesson in surrender.  Another lesson in choosing love.  A chance to learn to nurture myself, thereby growing an interdependent love rather than codependent love for others.  How freeing this is and here I thought all my freedoms had been usurped.  My captors cannot steal or control my thoughts.  I'm in charge of choosing beliefs and corresponding thoughts that enliven a  healthy existence; therein lies my continuing commitment to myself and God.

Working through this was a giant step in my survival and really required me to let go even more of the victim role, as that thinking was just making me sick and wearing me down.  Once I began to clean up my thinking on this subject, my rational thought returned and I knew that I would always be the mother of Nate and Brandon and nothing could diminish the love we have for one another.  We survived our separation from one another.  I missed a big chunk of their lives, their high school years, I can't get those years back, but I do have today for which I am infinitely grateful.

Culpable Negligence ?

We are getting reports whereby the government is finally owning some culpability in the massive, unsafe immunizations that occurred throughout the eighties, nineties and into the new millennium.  They have been paying families millions of dollars in settlement money for the vaccine damage to their children which includes autism.  We are just finding out about this!?!  Autism went from 1 in 10,000 (prior to 1990) to the 1990's ratio of 1 in 150 children and has continued to increase throughout the first decade of 2000 to current day numbers indicating 1 in 100 children effected with autistic traits following immunizations.

In the 1990's thimerisol (a preservative, containing mercury, found in immunizations) was identified as unsafe for many children as their bodies were unable to metabolize metals, in this case mercury.  Instead the mercury accumulated to significant amounts and crossed the blood-brain barrier thus causing brain damage, quite often effecting the speech center and sensory systems of these children.  If you look up the symptoms of mercury poisoning you find them to be the same as we are seeing in many of our children with autism.

There was a recent article published that indicates continued problems as seen in the statistics above even after taking thimerisol out of the early childhood immunizations.  This study identified the introduction of fetal DNA in vaccines as the trigger.  The study tells us that "the vaccines contain significant residual human DNA fragments that can insert themselves into vaccine recipient cells........this insertion can cause genomic disruption resulting in autism."  To read more about this, see article in ChristianNewsWire describing the "ticking time bomb that has already exploded." 

What we learned from the 90's is that autism was no longer considered epidemic proportions but by the end of the 90's had moved into a classification known as pandemic.  What we also learned from the 90's was that when these children with autism went through a cheolation process large amounts of mercury and aluminum would show up in their blood and urine samples (far beyond what is considered "normal").  Another bit of information we garnered from the 90's was that when the vaccines were introduced to third world countries, these countries then started to have cases of autism pop up everywhere among their young, freshly immunized children, whereby those countries had never seen a case of autism before.  We've known its the immunizations, we've known it does not negatively effect all or even most children...yet we could not get the government (FDA) or the drug companies to own their culpability in the destruction of the productive lives of these children, instead leaving an enormous burden on the families and eventually the Social Security Disability and Medicaid rolls.

 

I believe most parents with this knowledge are NOT anti-vaccine people but instead share the belief that vaccines should be safe and should be well researched and tested before requiring mass inoculation and in the event there is a question, then we have the right to be informed immediately and decide about the risk for our own children.  I know not one of those families are thanking the government for allowing their child to become a guinea pig for their experimentation.  And I know not one of those families are thrilled with the thought that the major drug companies producing these vaccines combed in unbelievable amounts of profits as a result of the government requiring mass inoculation.  There have been class action suits and individual suits brought against the drug companies, who continue to deny there is any correlation.  The drug companies are wealthy beyond measure and for every study brought up in the lawsuits showing cause and effect, they pay for five more studies negating that connection.  Remember what I said in my last post, one can always find the evidence to support one's belief (or in this case - agenda).  And there can be creation of evidence if needed, as seen in my legal case, by the opposing side.

The recent information of the government "secretly" settling with some families is not a surprise, see this article and short FOXnewscast describing such settlements.  The need to keep it secret must have been enormous as there are hundreds of thousands of kids (and their families) negatively impacted.  It will be interesting to see what happens now, if anything.  A requirement of filing claims with this government program is that the claim must be filed within 3 years of onset.  I know for one, when my Nate started changing and showing the signs of withdrawal we did not have this information and in 1992 the doctors were baffled.  Diagnosing Nate was like a three ring circus.  By the time he was 5 years old he must have had at least 8 different diagnosis, with autism being the last educated guess.  You see there is no blood test or genetic test to confirm the diagnosis...it is more a process of elimination and observation of behavior patterns.  It wasn't until 2001 that I first learned of the connection between the immunizations and autism and by then Nate was 10 years old and it was far too late to make a claim.  Further, the government and the drug companies have bombarded us with the denial of this link between autism and vaccines, even going so far as to repeatedly discredit the doctors doing the research and the results of the scientific research with findings to the contrary.

In developing The NOAH Project (2001-2002) I had decided we would focus on the best overall treatment for these kids.  How we could respect their differences and work with them in the most loving way, how we could support their nutritional needs and how we could educate and help their parents and other parents (attending our speaking series) gather resources, that is doctors, therapists and nutritionists who were tuned into this information and could help clear the children of the neurotoxins and at the same time boost their immune systems.  An informed parent can best help their children if they know what is going inside their child's body and find ways to offset the negative impact; in contrast the denial campaigns of the government and drug companies does not help progress or focus on the effective treatment for these kids.  I did not attack the drug companies or FDA.  It was always my hope they would step up and become accountable.  Apparently it now becomes evident they handled the few extreme cases where the parents had the knowledge and wherewithal to make the claims on a timely basis and the impact of the vaccines were immediate and drastic rather than slow developing over time, as it was for most of our kids.

We are still faced with determining the best ways to help the kids (and now many are young adults) who have been effected.  I have remained a believer in the The Son-Rise Program in terms of treatment (although limited to home-based), teaching the children to be interactive in the most spontaneous way.  The public schools are now doing a far better job working with our kids.  The explosive population of children with autism started in the 90's and took everybody by surprise, especially the public school system, they had to scramble to find certified special ed teachers, qualified teacher aids and ways to reach these kids. 

Nutritional needs and vitamin intervention are still vital in boosting their compromised immune systems and helping clear the fog away, which quite often is created by gluten and casein foods (found in most processed food items).  At The NOAH Project we issued a quarterly Nutrition newsletter to all families, teachers and therapists who were on our mailing lists from the speaking series (approximately 3,000 people).  Here are a few pages from our newsletters prepared by our staff nutritionist (you will see we were careful and still soft pedaled the role of immunizations in creating this malady):

If you know families challenged with a child showing symptoms of delayed development, limited or no speech and/or overload of sensory systems, encourage them to get early intervention.  The sooner they address the problems, the more likely the child will respond and possibly reverse the effects.  Most of all, find the doctors/pediatricians that are focused on safe immunizations.  There are alternatives, such as splitting up the viruses,  and administering the vaccines over a longer period of time.  Research!  Encourage them to become empowered parents taking initiative, instead of blindly trusting the "experts".  Most of all encourage them to love their children and support them in the most positive ways.  If nothing else these children teach us to love unconditionally....a gift in itself!!

Who Were The True Conspirators?

I have to do another post on Mary Surratt to share with you what I have found, so we have a Part III to Mary Surratt.  This information is fascinating to me.  I have never been interested in history, even the thought of it bores me.  Give me a math problem any 'ole day.  But this Mary Surratt case and the bigger picture is an enormous frame up and cover up.  I did not get the significance of many things I saw in the movie "The Conspirator", until I came home and read further.

Historians fall on both sides of this debate...."Was Mary Surratt guilty or innocent?"  The historians saying she was guilty generally argue that she had to know, they buy what the government fed them almost 150 years ago, contrary to what has been found since.  One historian even goes so far as to say she must have been guilty because she had such a calm demeanor and was "clever" during her recorded interrogations. I don't know about you but calm is what I do, in fact the worse the circumstances, the calmer I get.  Because fear, insanity, rage all cloud my ability to think and reason.  When under extreme pressure or conflicting situations I get real quiet and listen with all my might so I can take the next best step.  BUT, now can you see where that can get interpreted as "obfuscating, lying, denying and parsing her words"?  That is how some historians have interpreted her demeanor and her claim of innocence. 

YET, during the trial, five priests and several other people testified on her behalf as to her stellar character and religious devotion.  Who knew more about Mary Surratt, these people who spent time with her over the years or the historians who paint her as Booth's co-conspirator?  It seems to me if someone had a shady, questionable character it would have surfaced at some time throughout the years prior to this event.  But you know the saying, people will find (or create) the evidence to fit their beliefs.  Perhaps I am guilty of the same in this instance...let's take a look at what came up after the conspiracy trial of Mary Surratt.

In the comment section of my prior blog I present the theory that there were others, such as Edwin Stanton, Secretary of War, and President Andrew Johnson himself that seemed to go out of their way to see these 8 people convicted and immediately dealt their punishments.  Yet they could have had their own political agendas to rid Lincoln of the Presidency, in fact it would seem they had far more MOTIVE than the characters convicted of conspiracy.  I set out to understand this better by researching John Wilkes Booth's diary, John Surratt Jr.'s trial two years later in a civilian court and anything I could find out about Andrew Johnson's impeachment trial.  I must make a correction here...in a previous comment (last blog - comment section) I said that Andrew Johnson was impeached, but that is an error.  He missed being impeached by one vote, he did finish out his term, but was a very unpopular President. 

I learned several things that I want to share with you, this will give you more insight into how (at a grand level) innocent people can come to be falsely accused and wrongly convicted.  It gives you a better understanding of the deception that is possible when perpetrating fraud on the courts.  Because, rarely, if ever, is a wrongful conviction a result of error, it is much more the result of a deliberate withholding and/or altering/creating evidence, false (coerced) testimonies by state witnesses....and a prosecutor who is hell-bent on winning at any cost while exercising their persuasive powers over the jury.

In the movie, "The Conspirator" the alledged conspirators, while imprisoned awaiting their trials and after had hoods over their heads.  The hoods were lined with one inch of cotton and there was only one small hole at the mouth for them to eat their food.  Therefore, they could not be heard.  In addition, they were shackled making writing impossible and were not allowed any discussions or visits from the outside world (with one exception, at the end of the trial Mary was allowed a brief visit from her daughter).  They had been silenced, were tried quickly and punishment was dealt immediately.  Even back then, this treatment was unheard of.  Mary Surratt pleaded that she be allowed to make a last statement but was denied.  What was the government covering up, what were they so afraid she would say?

Mary Surratt was convicted on the false testimony of two men.  There was no exculpatory evidence, only circumstantial.  Both men later, changed their stories.  John Lloyd, testified in John Surratt Jr.'s trial two years later.  "Lloyd not only contradicted some of the statements he had made at the conspiracy trail but admitted that he had been subjected to both promises and threats."  According to John T. Ford (owner of Ford Theater) Lloyd had told him he "was taken to Bryantown and when he refused to say anything against Mrs. Surratt, he was hanged by his thumbs until he could no longer stand the pain.  Only then, to spare himself from further torture, did he agree to give perjured testimony against his landlady."

The other false testimony came from Louis Weichmann who told his friends John Brophy and Louis Carland, following the conspiracy trial that "his conscience was troubling him, that he had lied on the witness stand to save his own life and keep his government position.  He said that his statements had been written out for him and he had to testify based on that."  On the day of Mary's execution John Brophy swore out an affidavit disclosing Weichmann's statements and copied the Washington Constitutional Union, plus took a copy to the White House. Carland later testified in John Surratt Jr.'s trial regarding what Weichmann had told them that day.

The evidence that was introduced in the John Surratt Jr. civilian trial two years later included Booth's diary, the clemency plea for Mary Surratt (coming from the tribunal members who had voted against the death sentence and were coerced by Stanton and Holt to change their vote),  petitions given to Andrew Johnson, prior to the executions, and the statements of Lewis Powell and John T. Ford presenting "evidence of confessed perjuries and witness intimidation by the government."  "The civil trial of John Surratt Jr. exposed many injustices that a free people must never again tolerate."

John Wilkes Booth's diary indicated there were many over him in this plot, he did not act alone.  It coincided with General Baker's diary, his accounts of the Lincoln assassination.  "Both implicated, even boasted  of a secret government council which had bound the country over a century.  It revealed that the true killers were led by Lincoln's most trusted military advisor in the Civil War, Edwin M. Stanton, the Secretary of War."  General Lafayette Baker, chief of the National Detective Police Force and fellow conspirator (conspirator with Stanton), wrote "Stanton's plot was a vast, well financed attempt to seize control of the federal government, signed Lafayette C. Baker."  Numerous attempts were made on Baker's life (to silence him), he died of arsenic poisoning three years following the conspiracy trial.

Seven hours before Lincoln's assassination John Wilkes Booth left a note at Vice President Andrew Johnson's home. It said "Don't wish to disturb you.  Are you at home?  J. Wilkes Booth."   This note, along with Booth's diary were presented at President Andrew Johnson's impeachment trial, in addition to several other items that had surfaced during John Surratt Jr.'s trial.

Over zealous prosecutors, power hungry men (and women), frightened witnesses can create anything.  I have said this before in my blogs related to my own case...there is NO need to make up any lies if a person is truly guilty.  Their guilt will stand on its own.  The fact that there was so much coercion going on is all the evidence I need to know in my heart that Mary Surratt was innocent.  She was a scapegoat and a distraction used to cover the true conspirators.

Mary Surratt was buried at Mt. Olivet Cemetery in Washington DC.  There is a bronze plaque by her grave that reads:

"The souls of the just are in the hands of God, and the torment of malice shall not touch them.  In the sight of the unwise they seemed to die, but they are at peace."

If you are interested in reading further or want to follow the quotes above, there are many books and Internet articles on this subject.  I encourage you to take a look and draw your own conclusions.  Injustices in our system didn't end with Mary Surratt, nor are they unique to the military, they continue today in our civilian courts.  Following are a few of the references I used:

http://albensonjr.com/marysurratt1.shtml
http://albensonjr.com/marysurratt2.shtml
http://www.ashevilletribune.com/asheville/heritage/Surratt%203.htm
http://www.ashevilletribune.com/asheville/heritage/Surratt%204.htm
http://rogerjnorton.com/Lincoln26.html
http://itwasjohnson.impiousdigest.com/zero12.htm

What Was Mary Surratt Like?

Did Mary Surratt have the personality of a criminal?  Could she be a party to murder?  What can we decide from the little we know about her growing up years and the person she came to be as an adult?  What do we learn about her from the trial proceedings?

Mary was born and grew up in Waterloo, Maryland.  Her family had a plantation, although not wealthy, they were financially secure.  At the age of 12 she was sent to a Catholic boarding school in Alexandria, Virginia.  The school closed when she was sixteen, so she returned home.  Soon after her return she met John H. Surratt who was 11 years older than her.  They married when she was seventeen and lived in D.C. in a home Surratt had inherited from his foster parents.  They had three children, Isaac, Anna and John Jr., in that order. 

In 1851 their home was destroyed by fire.  John Sr. decided not to rebuild and went to work in Virginia.  He saved enough money and in 1852 bought a farm (247 acres) near Mary's childhood home in Waterloo.  There they grew tobacco and raised pigs.  Their home also became a tavern & inn and eventually a U.S. post office which was run out of the tavern.  In those days the town or village was named after the appointed postmaster thus their land and the surrounding land became known as Surrattsville.  December 6, 1853, John Sr. also purchased the 4-story townhouse in Washington D.C. which eventually became the boarding house where the conspiracy to murder Lincoln was allegedly hatched.

John Surratt Sr. had a drinking and gambling problem and was known to physically abuse Mary.  He died of a heart attack or stroke during the summer of 1862.  He left Mary with an overwhelming amount of debt as a result of his gambling problem.  In order to make ends meet, Mary moved to their Washington home with Anna and turned it into a respectable boarding house.  For a while John Jr. remained in Surrattsville and ran the post office, but was found to be running a courier service for the Confederate army and therefore lost his position.  The tavern was leased to John Lloyd an ex-police officer and alcoholic.

John Jr. joined Mary and Anna at their residence in Washington.  Through his work with the Confederate army, John Jr. came to know John Wilkes Booth who became a frequent visitor at the boarding house once John Jr. moved there, along with the other men later identified as co-conspirators.  Did Mary know of their activity?  She always claimed she was innocent and did not know what they were doing. 

On April 14, 1865 Booth shot Lincoln at the Ford theatre, where Booth was an actor.  Lincoln died the following morning.  The detectives decided  "One bullet killed the president, but not one man."  So, they arrested those who associated with Booth.  Since Mary owned the boarding house that he often visited, she was arrested on the night on April 17, 1865.  The arresting officers were men of the Union, those being arrested were sympathizers of the South.  The defense attorney for Mary was also a Union war hero.  At first Frederick Aiken did not want to defend her, so set out to prove she was guilty.

He was unable to prove her guilt and eventually came to actually defend her and believe in her.  Mary was a gracious woman and a well educated woman for the time.  She spoke clearly to Aiken and quite often challenged him in matters of truth.  At one point Aiken was to find out where John Surratt Jr. had gone.  Mary would not give him that information (if she even had it).  It appeared that Aiken could arrange a trade, he offered Mary her freedom for the whereabouts of her son.  It is a question we are left with...did she give up her own life for her son's?  Or did she really not know?

One thing for sure, she always had her rosary beads with her and she met often with the priest.  She appeared to be a devout Catholic, who very much loved her children, doing everything she could to support them.  She did not take on a martyr role but argued hard regarding her innocence.

I remember so clearly the point in the movie when one of the witnesses was telling an untruth on the witness stand.  Mary stood up at the defense table and screamed "that is a lie!"  Of course, she had to get herself under control or would have been removed from the proceedings for contempt of court.  I had the same thing happen in my own trial...the same gut reaction when the Detective started lieing on the stand.  All eyes came to me and the Judge, waiting to see if I would be thrown out and charged with contempt.  I was right with Mary when I saw her reaction during her trial...it was as if I was reliving my own trial.

While I know I am seeing this from my own perspective, it is just too powerful and similar for me too walk away from it.  Her reactions and demeanor in court.  Her discussions with Aiken about truth while imprisoned in a filthy cell.  The way she was always pleasant to her visitors.  Her draw to God.  The way she held on to her rosary as if the truth would save her.   Her happiness when she was able to finally visit with her daughter.  Her happiness when they thought she would not be hung because of the habeas her attorney had submitted to a Judge and was approved by the Judge at the last minute.  Then, President Andrew Johnson had the habeas suspended and moments later she was marched out to execution.  The disappointment and sadness was tangible, but even then she did not cower, she was so brave.

We cannot know why God allows things to happen.  But look at this, 150 years later we are still examining what happened to Mary Surratt.  She did not act as a guilty person.  She did not have the profile of a criminal.  There are lessons to be learned in this history.  Malicious prosecution.  Constitutional Rights.  Truth.  There is a lot for us to soul search.  How does all of this relate to our current times?  Such a timely movie and so well done.  "The Conspirator"  Was she really?

Stories from Surrattsville

Yesterday my husband and I went to the movies and saw "The Conspirator".  I had so many memories flood back to me.  In my last blog I mentioned that for most of my growing up years we lived in Maryland.  Our home was in Clinton, Maryland which is just south of Washington DC (about 10 miles) so we were considered a suburb to DC.  Across Branch Avenue, less than a mile from our home, was Andrews Air Force Base.  And, 1.8 miles in another direction from our home was old "downtown" Clinton and the home of Mary Surratt, the subject of the movie.  Clinton used to have the name of Surrattsville and was changed following the "trial" of Mary Surratt.  I highly recommend seeing this movie, its an extraordinary accounting of history (the murder of president Abraham Lincoln and the following trial of Mary Surratt as a conspirator) and in my opinion a study of yet another case of falsely accused and wrongly convicted.  But then, go see the movie and you decide!!

Growing up in Clinton I attended Surrattsville Elementary, Junior High and High School.  I did not graduate from SHS as we spent my 10th grade year in Florida, then back to Maryland for most of 11th and on to Albuquerque for my Senior year.  I kept in contact with my friends I grew up with and they made sure I had a yearbook for each of the three high school years plus I  was invited to graduation which I wouldn't have missed for the world (although, as an observer).  It was always interesting and a mystery to me why they would rename the city but keep the schools named after the Surratt family.  As a child I understood the Mary Surratt story as follows: 

• Mary Surratt was the first women hung in the United States.  She helped John Wilkes Booth following the assassination of Lincoln.  He had hurt his leg and came to Mary Surratt for help, she took him to Dr. Samuel Mudd and assisted Dr. Mudd in patching up his leg.  The story goes, she did not know she was helping a criminal but that didn't matter they hung her anyway.

Above is the Surratt house.  For all my years living in Clinton it was boarded up, with an historic marker out front (and considered haunted).  Now it is a museum.  Back in the day, it served as the Surratt's home, an inn with a tavern and the local post office.

Below is the boarding house that Mary Surratt owned and ran.  It was in Washington DC and the location where the conspiracy was allegedly hatched.

Over my many years since growing up when somebody asked me where I grew up I'd tell them the Clinton/Surrattsville story (the child's version above).  And of course they had never  heard of it.  Until NOW and  NOW that I've seen the movie (which is historically accurate) I know the story to be different and definitely more complicated.  As you can imagine, the story has peaked my interest for many reasons.  Mary Surratt always claimed she was innocent.  And after watching her hoax of a trial and reading further of the withholding of evidence I recognize a poignant juxtaposition between Mary Surratt's case and my own, as I am sure there is with any case supporting a wrongful conviction.

Based on the movie and an account of the court proceedings I have made a comparison below.  Amazing how 150 years just dissolves when looking at the impact of corruption and deception within the justice system.

• Both Mary Surratt and I claimed innocence from the start and throughout the proceedings.
• Mary Surratt was perceived as having too much information and not coming forth.  In my case I did have too much information related to my ex-client's divorce and he needed to destroy my credibility.
• Our constitutional rights were violated - both cases are lacking in due process.  In my case those violations were outlined in my previous blog whereas Mary Surratt's were discussed in the movie and primarily relate to civilians being tried by military tribunals.  That very issue was pending in the Supreme Court during the conspiracy trials.
• Manufactured testimony by several witnesses.  Ironically, one of the men who falsely testified against Mary Surratt was Louis Weichmann.  In my own case the computer forensic expert, John Weichmann, was right with us throughout the pretrial hearings, but in my trial he changed his story and was used to neutralize my claim of the computer and its exculpatory evidence.
• Withheld exculpatory evidence.  In Mary Surratt's case it was the diary of John Wilkes Booth.  In my own case it was the computer files, accounts payable records and bank account Internet access log.
• The appearance of underhanded deals for those falsely testifying.  In the case of Mary Surratt those deals have been identified.  In my case, the Motion in Limine is blatant and other deals appear to exist.

It's time for us to insist that prosecution no longer enjoy absolute immunity but become accountable, otherwise they will continue to walk all over our Constitutional Rights and nobody is safe in this country.  In the case of Mary Surratt it was the military tribunal benefiting from immunity.  Current day prosecutorial absolute immunity has come about in recent years as discussed in this "Grits for Breakfast" blog posting.  As a voter it is so important you are aware of malicious prosecution and let your representatives hear from you, otherwise you and everybody else in this country are unprotected and the abuse of power goes unchecked.  The founding principles of this country and our U.S. Constitution must be upheld.  The Constitution is not a political tool as some have called it, it is a safeguard put in place by our founding fathers to prevent the tyranny they experienced in England and the very reason for colonizing in America.

For those of you who have seen the movie, you may enjoy these follow ups on the lives of some of the main characters and other small tidbits:

• John Surratt (son of Mary Surratt) - who was in Elmira, New York at time of assassination, fled to Canada, then on to Europe.  He was captured in Alexandria.  He stood trial in a civilian court, the jury could not agree on the verdict - it was 8 to 4 in favor of an acquittal.  The Judge declared a mistrial.  The prosecutors did not ask for another trial.  By August 1968, Surratt was free.  He married and had seven children.  He taught school and occasionally lectured on his relationship with John Wilkes Booth.
• Anna Surratt (daughter of Mary Surratt) - had several children.  Four years following Mary Surratt's execution Anna was able to have her mother's body moved to a proper grave.
• Joseph Holt (chief prosecutor) - became a recluse. "He came to believe that the legal process used to try the conspirators - the military commission - wasn't legal after all."  Not only was Holt chief prosecutor in the conspiracy trials, he was also legal advisor to the tribunal, "impartially" advising them as to same trials (a conflict of interest).  When the trials were over Holt was accused of keeping evidence from the defense and the plea for clemency (prepared by five members of the tribunal) from the President.  One piece of evidence (held by the FBI today) that was notably missing from the trial was John Wilkes Booth's diary.  It was proven that Holt had it prior to the trials.  The diary would have been a key piece of evidence for the defendants.
• President Andrew Johnson went through an impeachment trial in his second term.  The diary of John Wilkes Booth was used in the trial against Johnson.  There are several missing pages from the diary which have never been found.
• Andrews Air Force Base is built on what used to be part of Surratt's land.  I think they got it for a steal!
• In the year following the trials and executions, the Supreme Court decision (Ex part Milligan) held that American civilians could not be tried by a military tribunal. 

Life Lessons... from a meteorologist?

This must be my influential people blog series.  Last blog I told you about Albert Schweitzer and Victor Frankl and the tremendous impact they have had on my life.  As I contemplated what I could possibly blog about next I was drawing a blank.  So I sat, without thinking, in front of the TV watching all the weather and geological news.  Tornadoes, draught and high winds, tsunami damage, earthquakes, severe thunderstorms, flooding!  I have never cared much about watching television but weather fascinates me.  The whole time I'm watching television and looking out my window to see if I can locate the newest developing wall cloud or funnel cloud or smell the smoke from the wildfires or see my car get pelted by hail or washed away in a flood, I'm thinking "Oh, if Dad were only here, we are having epic proportions of severe weather, he would be right in the middle of all this!"

Growing up in our home with Dad as a meteorologist had a significant influence in my life.  My dad wasn't one of the TV guys.  He worked for the National Weather Service, also known as NOAA (National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration).  For many years we lived in Maryland where he was a forecaster at the Suitland, Maryland office which was NOAA headquarters for the Northern Hemisphere.   In his later years he was Meteorologist-In-Charge ("MIC") at the Albuquerque office which oversaw all of New Mexico and parts of Colorado and Arizona.

There are many characteristics of a man who lives in a world of probabilities.  For instance it was close to impossible as a child to ever get a straight "YES" or "NO" from him.  If I was in a hurry, it would make me crazy!  But, certainly, it was to my benefit to get a "maybe" or a "possibly" on things that my mother might have nixed straight out.  Although, I also remember him explaining to me when a forecast comes out at 50% it is like saying nothing, so one DOES need to take a stand in one direction or the other and not sit on the fence, but it must be well thought out.  Likewise he taught me to question what people call "facts" because quite often those are really opinions and the truth lies somewhere in between the two extremes. 

Many years later, when my first child developed autism and I was told by the public school system he would never develop beyond what he was at the age of four and I would eventually need to institutionalize him, I questioned the experts.  I decided there must be other possibilities, because so long as I was alive (and after, if possible), I would make certain he was never institutionalized.  Further, I spent so much time with him and could clearly see he was a lot smarter than the school was giving him credit for.  What a gift my dad had given me, believing in all the possibilities!  Nate, now almost 20 yrs old, is amazing!  He far exceeded their expectations, what he understands, what he has learned to do and how he communicates in so many ways.  He is a complete joy to be around...my gentle giant.

My meteorologist dad taught me even more!  About the age of eight, I remember being at the grocery store with my mom.  We were checking out, minding our own business, when the grocery clerk started talking about how stupid the weathermen were, they never get anything right, she didn't know why we even had them as she could do a better job herself just looking out the window.  My eyes grew large as I watched my mom closely, she just smiled and when given the chance changed the subject.  When we got out to the car and we were driving away, I asked what that was all about, how come she didn't tell the clerk that was my Daddy she was talking about and tell her she was wrong!  My mom was smart, she said that is a good question for your father, ask him when he gets home.

With tears in my eyes I went running to my dad when he walked in the door that night and told him all about our trip to the grocery.  He smiled and said there is no need to be upset.  He explained many people do that when they don't understand something.  He told me there was nothing more dynamic on this earth than the weather, meaning nothing changes faster.  He then said, "When people criticize the weathermen they are not talking about me.  They are speaking from a place of ignorance.  They don't understand the science or the math of it.  And that's okay.  I never take these things personal and neither should you."

When we developed The NOAH Project there were many who told me it would never work.  But, it worked beautifully, the children responded in ways nobody could have predicted.  Children who hadn't talked the first years of their life, said there first words and more.  Children telling their mom and dad's they loved them, something the parents had given up on years before.  Children, who were previously enveloped in their own world, began playing interactive games.  Daily we were able to celebrate the progress of these special kids.  Had I listened to all the nay sayers that year of successes would have never happened.

When this case came against me, many people disappeared out of my life and some people spoke poorly behind my back.  And, when I lost the trial, even more shrank away.  And, when I came home after three years in prison, there were even fewer.  I just remembered what my father said, don't get angry or hurt, just keep going.  There are many who don't understand how the justice system works.  Even with the most recent exonerations across the country, there are many who don't believe an innocent person can get convicted.  And, they may never change their belief, even in light of all the evidence to the contrary.  That, I have accepted and yes, I do understand, it is not about me and not about truth, it just is what it is.  So, its up to me to move on, knowing that I am okay and doing what I need to do to clear my name.  A GIANT life lesson.

The final story I want to share with you relates to our annual family vacations.  For all the years we lived in Maryland, my parents would stuff our family in the car and travel out west, sometimes for two weeks and sometimes for a month.  We would see relatives all along the way to Dallas, then head to Albuquerque and finally Phoenix.  I always knew when we would hit New Mexico because my dad would start veering off the road.  My mom would scream and we all jumped to attention.  My father would pull over to the side of the road and point to a massive cloud formation.  He'd say, "You see those thunderheads, see how the top of them forms a perfect anvil shape?  You can't see this until we get out here to the wide open spaces, and that anvil shape signifies the most powerful thunderstorm that exists."  He went on to tell us how important it was to respect such power and how it reminded him of the power of God.  The beauty, the perfection, the absolute strength!  He taught us in those weather lessons to honor and respect our Almighty God.  He gave us visuals to anchor our faith.  How grand is that?

Thank you Dad for being in my life and teaching me such important lessons.  May you rest in peace.  

Reverence for Life...Take Action

It's interesting how life works, isn't it?  We are brought the very challenges we need at just the right time.  I cannot say I would have asked for any of my particular challenges, at least not outright, but certainly they were presented.  In each instance, it has always been clear to me that I was in charge of how I responded, for that is really all I have control of...my attitudes.  As a result of that awareness I redefine challenges as opportunities.

I have been drawn to the works of Albert Schweitzer for as far back as I can remember.  A German man of many talents: he built organs, became an acclaimed organist, a church pastor and a university professor with a doctorate in philosophy.  At the age of 30, aware of the need for medical care in Africa, he decided to become a medical doctor and devote the rest of his life to serving these people.  At the age of 37 he opened a hospital in Lambarene, Gabon - at the time a French province in Equatorial Africa.  He continued there until his death, at the age of 90, traveling back and forth to Europe for fundraising and gathering of supplies over the years.  During World War I, both Schweitzer and his wife were imprisoned in France until the war was over, both becoming very ill because of the conditions in the prison.  In his life he wrote several books, my favorite is "Reverence For Life".  Schweitzer was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize at the age of 78.

Reverence for Life is a philosophy and speaks to our responsibility for all that we do, and calls upon us to have awareness and respect for all living things.  A simple message that gets overlooked so easily.

The other author who has had a significant influence in my life is Viktor Frankl with his book "Man's Search for Meaning".  Frankl was a Holocaust survivor and speaks to our responsibility to choose our attitude in any given circumstance, thus his own survival in a concentration camp of World War II.  He went on to become a professor of psychiatry and neurology plus an author of several books, helping many in the healing of their lives.

Both Schweitzer and Frankl lived challenging lives, helped others and believed strongly in always doing the next right thing.  Both wrote on the importance of attitude and awareness.  Both were imprisoned as innocent men.  Both were men of action, absolutely committed to making life better for others.  Both have been quoted saying that words are meaningless without action.  How can I not take action in my own life when I championed the lives and causes of these two men?  My belief in Jesus and all His promises is the foundation setting underneath all of this...and probably the reason for my draw to the works of these two men in the first place. 

Is it any wonder that I had a child whose personality and life were imprisoned with autism, giving me the opportunity of my life to connect and make certain he knew of my love for him.  But I never really wanted to stop there, I wanted to share what I knew with other families.  I still plan to continue in several different ways, by setting up a business that promotes a product for the nutritional needs of these kids whose immune systems are compromised, by writing books (for which I have partial drafts of two books) and by getting involved in working with these kids again.  Although this time I will include the young adults as my sweet Nate is now almost 20 years old.

Then of all things, I also had to endure life in prison, while falsely accused and wrongly convicted.  But didn't the writings of Schweitzer and Frankl influence my response, allowing me to come home further enriched.  I believe they must have.  And now that I am out of prison I feel just as strongly a need to help victims of the justice system as my need to help those afflicted with autism (both child and family).  But to just speak it, to just write in a blog about it, is not enough.  I have decided I must take action.

Through my experience of the justice system, I learned what is going on "inside", both inside the court room and inside the county jail and state prison.  I learned there are so many people imprisoned in Texas who could more effectively be helped by rehabilitation.  Like a dry alcoholic, they walk out of prison with all the same hungers....the addiction has not been confronted and healed, it may have been touched on at a superficial level.  Some people are lucky enough to just quit, once clean for a time, but most are still driven by that addiction.  They must do the healing of the underlying causes for their addictions, or they will be right back at it, medicating their pain.  When I say that recidivism is not being addressed, this is what I am talking about.  By not healing these people (those that are willing - which in my experience are numerous) then we are just providing a revolving door within the criminal justice system.

Further, EDUCATION!!  It must be increased.  Many of those imprisoned are without proper education.  We are not preparing people to reenter society with skills that will keep them from falling back into trouble.  People leaving prison have got to be employable.  Many are not, thus moving back into illegal activities to provide a living or means of survival.  Are we for our people in this country or not?  It is so difficult to get my arms around the fact that we are one of the most advanced countries on this earth, yet so many people are falling through the cracks. 

On the employable issue there is yet another piece.   Twenty one percent of Americans have a "criminal background" given our runaway justice system.  Their must be a shift in thinking by recruiters and employers or there will be no hiring of those with criminal backgrounds, thus increasing our government subsidy programs (food stamps, Medicaid, MHMR payments, TANF, etc).  What many people do not realize is this group can be the hardest workers, with some of the best work ethics, as they are motivated to prove they are worthy.  Positive reinforcement is giant to these people.  That is what most would seek and respond to in prison and that is what will work once released to really bring them to a new lifestyle as they become productive citizens.

Then of course there are the falsely accused and wrongly convicted group.  More people than I ever imagined.  Even one person in this category is too many.  In fighting my own case, I hope to provide a way for others to follow.  The appeal system is very cumbersome and unfriendly and many just give up or never begin the process feeling defeated from the start, but does it have to be that way?  I will continue to write about how the false accusations and wrongful conviction came about in my own case thus increasing awareness.  Once exonerated I will publish a book with far more details than I have shared in this blog.  Even then, that is not enough, there is a need to get involved with those who are fighting this fight, helping in any way that I can.  Checks and balances must be brought to our justice system.  Without that, it will continue.  As I've said before, those that are a party to false arrests and convictions have to be made accountable.   Otherwise, there will be more families disrupted by this insanity.  There must be a movement for reform in our justice system to prevent this miscarriage of justice in the future. 

When I think in terms of  Reverence for Life, there can really be no other way.  It is our responsibility as human beings to stand up for the causes that relate to respect and betterment of fellow humans and for our living earth....be that in the treatment of autism or the healing of those incarcerated or the many other causes that effect each of our lives.  One has to ask, what touches my heart?  How can I help?  How can we improve the quality of our lives and others' right now?  When we leave this world, don't we want to leave it a better place for our kids and all those that follow?  I know I do!

AND...The Parents Spoke

Following my indictment and subsequent move back to Texas I was having a very difficult time finding work.  As you saw in an earlier blog I was being encouraged by my Internet "team" to interview, tell very little and get on with supporting my family.  The arrest record was out there and I found I needed to be totally honest with anybody who was a potential employer. 

After much brainstorming with my "team" it occurred to me I could restart our Speaking Series and turn it into a 3-day training workshop for parents and educators interested in this type of program for their children with autism and charge a fee.  I had a good friend who developed a website for this new entity based on our experience at NOAH.  I had lined up speakers for the first training session.  I had over three hundred mail-outs ready to go.

The new training organization was called "Re-Emerge.com" after the children.  For these children appear to be born normal, have normal development for a time and then within the first year start to withdrawal.  Many of the parents actually have videos capturing this change.  They thought they were filming their child's development but soon came to find the child began disconnecting and eventually became enveloped in their own exclusive world.  As a parent it is rather shocking to watch and find you have no power to stop it.  The program we used in NOAH, and prior to that a home-based program for my son, Nate, actually brought that child back from his/her exclusive world, through very intense one-on-one, interactive, exciting and encouraging methods. Thus, the name "Re-Emerge".  My friend and I started the development of Re-Emerge.com in February 2005 and launched the website in April 2005.  The site described what our program looked like at The NOAH Project (including pictures), then detailed the agenda for the first three day training workshop and the biographies of the many professionals presenting in the workshop.  The Re-Emerge website brought a lot of attention and apparently some controversy with the courts.

On April 28, 2005 I had a hearing at the court to discuss the end of my first year bond and to begin the PR (Personal Recognizance) bond due to my indigent status plus meet my court appointed attorney.  The prosecutors already had word of this new business and website I was starting as I was court ordered to cease all such activity.  The PR bond required me to take the website down immediately and do no business on the Internet.  I was told I could not do these training sessions.  When I asked my newly assigned attorney why not?  He, who had my case for all of one day, said so I would not be allowed to "defraud any more parents."  I just couldn't believe my ears.  The parents were not complaining about the school, they had seen only progress with their kids.  In fact, very significant progress.

Almost two years earlier, when I was first notified my client could no longer fund the school, I had called an emergency meeting that very evening with many of the parents, the Board members and a small group of business consultants.  Those parents rallied to keep The NOAH Project open.  We brainstormed that first night we met as to what we could do in the short term.  Several of us left with specific assignments and meetings to initiate with other community leaders and foundations.  We met again a couple weeks later, regarding updates on progress and how best to continue our efforts.  In the month of October we gave it everything we had to keep from closing that school.  Not one parent left that school feeling defrauded!  Disappointed - YES!   We were all disappointed, but defrauded - NO!  Just did not happen. 

My attorney never brought those meetings up in the course of my trial.  He "saved" the parents testimonies for the sentencing phase.  He always told me that was how he was going to do it - use them as character references once I was convicted.  You see, he never planned to win the trial, didn't believe he could (being a typical public defender - just wanted me to plea) and therefore he didn't really prepare.  When my husband and I questioned the public defender's commitment to my case, he just shrugged and said it would be an easy appeal.

Here are a few of the testimonies from the parents of the school.  Keep in mind these testimonies were given almost four years following the school's closure:

Ms. Bell:  I chose the NOAH Project because Audrey White was providing a full treatment for the child, not just an educational, but also for parents which is huge.  There is - the suicidal rate for parents with autistic kids is high and divorce rate is high so training for the parents is very important.  Because she provided a special diet which most these children need - special food not like what is being provided for in the public school arena or any other public school or private school that was around.  And the one-on-one attention and treatment intensity that she was providing for my daughter in the program was unlike any other.  And so it was all encompassing, treat the whole child type of program.  The program (also) changed my life more than it probably did my daughter's because, you know, I didn't know how to work with my child, I didn't know the attitudes that the program taught and I wasn't positive.  I was negative, angry, bitter and everything just because of ...one part of ignorance, other reasons for lack of training, so the training that the program ...that Audrey provided was life changing.

Regarding the school closing Ms. Bell said: It was devastating.  It was sad.  But, you know, Audrey didn't stop just because the school closed.  She didn't stop supporting us as parents to help our children.  Her help continued on as long as she could.  And so what we were able to do was take a couple teachers that worked with my child from The NOAH Project and bring them into our home and continue the same program in our house.

Then Ms. Bell described the effect The NOAH Project had on the people that worked there:  The gal that worked with my child wasn't even a teacher certified for special needs, but because of the opportunity Audrey provided to these people that worked there, they were inspired to go and get their (special ed) teacher certificate.  Many of them were therapists.  They went on to be special ed teachers, Highland Park, Plano, McKinney, Garland and so now these people were trained from the program that Audrey provided in a way that the public school can't even begin to train its people.  And so now they're out there helping other children that are not as fortunate as my daughter was to go to The NOAH Project.

Mr. Atkins:  Well, Audrey's school...yes. Audrey's school was based on a methodology which was developed at a place in Massachusetts.... and you know, what happened was that interaction and that connection with the child ended up bringing the child out of his shell over time.  Its not a fast process, but at least there was hope.  Here was a program that didn't cap what our child's progress was going to be.  Here was a program that didn't deter him from being who he was at the time, but also encouraged him, you know to progress at the pace he wanted to progress.  He was only there for two months, maybe two and a half, but in two months went from completely non-verbal and not being able to interact with his siblings, not being able to communicate, and at the end of it his vocabulary had already started to blossom.  Now he wasn't completing sentences but he was making requests.  he was able to develop words like yes, no, uh-huh and huh-uh as some simple communications that a child has already mastered at 12 - 13 months, well our son was three, and we hadn't been successful in getting him to master that.  And introducing this new approach already began to break down some of those walls and introduce those new communication tools with him.  And he was giving us eye contact where that wasn't possible before, and really put on a path that we have continued to follow to this day with him.  And so the benefit of those two and a half months, in my opinion, reaches far beyond the time that he was at that school.

Mrs. Atkins:  My son was non verbal and didn't know who we were.  And by The NOAH Project and having the therapy, he began to speak and say "MAMA" for the first time after like maybe six weeks, which was more than I could have ever wanted or knew that I could have from him.

Mrs. West:  Well I have to say amazing progress, not only in him (her son), but just observing other children.  And that was why I so wanted that program after working there for two weeks and seeing the amazing results and just the children connecting.  I just knew that was the program I wanted for me (and my son).  My child has made great strides with the program.  And not only in his life, in our lives too.

Mr. Foley:  The individual, isolated one-on-one therapy, with individual facilitators.  That is what he (my son) needed.  Like I said it was a clean environment with no distractions, one room that was his.  You had viewing glass where you (as a parent) could go in at any time.  I would go in there, on my lunches and things like that, and watch and observe.  That is what I liked about it, the individual one-on-one, which is what a child with autism needs.  You started to get more eye contact and more reactions from him.  An autistic child tends to concentrate on the peripheral, not on the subject or the conversation.  And we started to notice improvement that because, and that was mainly because of the ...It was intense one-on-one therapy.  It was several hours a day, five days a week.

How much of a difference would these testimonies have made during the actual trial?  Another pertinent piece that was left out of the trial was that I continued to work with a group of business consultants to get the school reorganized and reopened.  We sent out reorganization investor packages to major corporations connected to the business consultants that December 2003.  These are not actions a thief would take.  Yet even then, given the above testimonies, the prosecutor told the jury that I traumatized the parents and kids of The NOAH Project.  How do prosecutors get away with these sorts of statements?  She also told the jury I "did it" because I was aspiring to be the "Queen of Autism" while she stood in front of me at the defendant table pointing at me, with her voice raised to the rafters.  Why do we allow such false courtroom drama?  We swear to tell the truth, why doesn't the prosecutor do likewise?

If you could have only seen me back in the day...I was working two full time jobs, one my financial business and two, as volunteer Director of NOAH.  I was hardly the picture of a queen, more like a frazzled mom, over-committed and working around the clock.  Did I want great things for me?  That was never what this was about...it was to help a few families and their children and hopefully be a part of a new movement in the treatment of our kiddos....a more holistic approach, treating all aspects of the child, including the most important relations in their lives...their parents.  Nobody loves these kids more than their parents, nor will there be any greater lifetime advocates for these special kids than the parents.  Growing that healthy relationship is absolutely the key to our special childrens' developmental success. 

Further, this program did not belong to me.  I didn't create it.  I only coordinated the pieces, where it had been a home-based program before, we brought it to a school setting, so it could be more scientifically documented on its way to becoming mainstreamed.  It was simply an attitude, a set of beliefs and methodologies.  Had it continued, the successes would have gone to the credit of its originators, we had a written agreement which set all that out.  There is the truth of it...more of what the jury never heard before convicting me.

The Costs are HUGE!

The Internet dialogues continued with my "team" but I was becoming more disillusioned as I began to really understand...there was no white knight in shining armor going to save me from this system and each day the Texas justice system took on a more oppressive and dark look.  My second attorney, Mark Perez, had just asked for an additional $50,000.  I was unable to pay so he withdrew and I was awaiting the court's decision on my indigent status and a court appointed attorney.  The dialogue went as follows:

ifonlythiswasover:  I wonder when all this is done...if my faith in anything will be restored???  Its hard for me right now to even TRUST.  So much of what I believed in is being challenged.

lionheartix:  I've noticed that. lol

ifonlythiswasover:  I believed in good wins out.  I believed that there was such a thing as justice.  I believed in the police.

lionheartix:  we all did....we grew up with those ideals.

ifonlythiswasover:  I didn't want to become a skeptic.  Now I am told truth doesn't matter to the people I believed upheld it?  Why aren't they honest with what they teach us in school?  What ever happened to authenticity?

lionheartix:  some people go through their whole lives without ever being challenged.  But, it is said, that the more one is challenged, the more character it builds.

ifonlythiswasover:  it seems like I might have enough already!  Maybe we could hit the media really hard with this case then they would be forced to move it out of Texas to a new venue.  I just don't trust Texas or the power these men have over the political/justice system.

lionheartix:  It just doesn't make sense for Perez to push you for $50 more grand for this.  Or...drop your case.

ifonlythiswasover:  he said he checked with other attorneys and that was "fair"...I would think he would set his own fair standards.  I'll tell you what is not fair...is being falsely accused....that I have to waste valuable time on this...

lionheartix:  you're right.

ifonlythiswasover:  about what?

lionheartix:  it being a waste of time.  You are all stressed out for all this time, and it is a waste.

ifonlythiswasover:  it is...for everybody involved...including the taxpayers money.

lionheartix:  I'm glad I don't live in Dallas County.  I don't pay into the peoples' paychecks of Dallas County.

ifonlythiswasover:  yeah...but this happens everywhere...it seems inherent in the legal system.  Perez was good, just when I start feeling confident...it seems as though I get hit again.

lionheartix:  that has been happening, for sure.

ifonlythiswasover:  I feel sad, scared, angry...all wrapped up into one ball.

lionheartix:  keep hanging in there.

ifonlythiswasover:  I will... the only happy moments I feel as though I have are mostly with Nate and Brandon [my sons]....even then the dark cloud seems to come around.

lionheartix:  OK...things are tough now.  It will pass.

ifonlythiswasover:  I know.....

This dialogue really brings out several important factors.  Of course the most obvious, is the emotional and mental toll it takes on the lives of people involved.  But, look at the costs!!!  Once falsely accused it became almost impossible to get a job....what with all my court appearances and attorney appointments.  Eventually someone hired me for the two years just prior to the trial and gave me the flexibility I needed.  I was being paid less than 25%  of what I was used to earning, but I was extremely grateful for that, so at least I could pay the rent and feed my family.

BUT....Dear Taxpayers!!  The cost of the system!  Unbelievable the amount of wasted tax dollars that go into the falsely accused and wrongly convicted cases....and to many others who probably could benefit from probation/out-patient rehab or those who should have much shorter sentences.  Most people don't fight the system....don't feel as though they can...and just plea.  The cost to take care of each prisoner is significant...somewhere in the range of $40 - $50,000 per year/person incarcerated (not including medical).  But for someone fighting their case....there are significantly more costs: attorney fees, forensics (or in my case - prosecution and civil attorneys fighting to keep the forensics out).  Look at the payrolls of the judges, the prosecutors, public defenders, all the other employees involved with the overcrowded court system. 

In Texas alone, the line item in the budget for prisons is $5 billion.  That doesn't include city or county jails or any of the court proceedings.  Do we really have that many outlaws?!?!  Or do we just have a runaway justice system?

Here are some statistics for you to think about.  The United States has the biggest prison population on earth and we have the highest incarceration rate of any nation.  Our incarceration rate is six times higher than China, a place we like to believe is far more oppressive than we are.  The USA is home to only 5% of the world's population, but one quarter of the world's prisoners.  The blog called "Grits for Breakfast" has an excellent short video on this very subject...it is a PBS segment you will not want to miss!  If you want to read further, there is a recent thirty three page study titled "Cost and Punishment: Reassessing Incarceration Costs and the Value of College-In-Prison Programs" by Gregory Knott.

I have seen estimates as high as 3,500 - 5,000 innocents sitting in the Texas prison system.  I don't know the actual number.  They say that is the cost of having an effective justice system, "errors will be made".  I don't think there was "error" in my case, as I've shared with you regarding the pretrial Hearings, my complaint letters and notifications and of course, the Motion in Limine filed 10 days before my trial.  I have heard similar stories over and over again....some while I was incarcerated and others since I have been out.  There is an enormous cost associated with wrongful convictions both in terms of wasted tax dollars and the effect it has on the ability of the wrongful convicted to ever live a fully productive life again.  Society pays the toll for this prison boom.

There are many ways to change what is happening.  The study linked above talks about college programs to prisoners so they might be employable when released thus reducing recidivism.  That is great, but in the job market of today, employers are not hiring people with criminal backgrounds...most especially in the professional world.  Once our ailing economy is healed there will still have to be an attitude shift of employers and recruiters.  It is important for our society to raise its awareness with regard to these issues and become much more educated as to how our tax dollars are being spent so that we are better equipped to make informed votes as well as speaking out for what is right.  Check with organizations like Project: Not Guilty and The Innocence Project of Texas to gather more information and see how you might help.

The immunity given the courts, prosecution and police needs to be closely monitored.  Immunity can be a set up for conspiracy thus allowing innocent people to be convicted.  Besides victims of conspiracy, people falsely accused and wrongly convicted all have something else in common...a clear violation of their Constitutional Rights.  We have seen or heard of it happening time and again.  Those who accuse or pursue innocent people and knowingly withhold evidence need to be held accountable.  In any other job in the world, those who are negligent or lie, lose their jobs.  I think we need to take a hard look at the checks and balances in our justice system.  It is up to us ...

"We the people are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts, not to overthrow the Constitution but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution."

                                                   ~Abraham Lincoln