TOP QUESTIONS - NEVER ASKED

All that ever had to happen in my trial was for there to be reasonable doubt.  Reasonable doubt was abounding had the appropriate questions been asked.  Following are a few of the top questions - never asked:

1. If I had something to hide - why would I pursue and even go to Washington DC to meet with NIH (National Institute of Health) regarding a multi-million dollar research grant?  With my accounting and audit background I knew full well that NIH, as part of their due diligence, would require audited financial statements with full disclosure from inception since we were a start-up entity.  Part of an audit of a non-profit includes an independent confirmation of material charitable contributions directly from the contributor. Of course, NOAH was auditable.
2. Why didn't my ex-client call the police immediately?  In the depositions he said he discovered the theft in July or August 2003.  In the trial testimony he said he discovered it on October 7, 2003.  With whatever lie you go with, the police did not get a call until mid-November.  Why is that?
3. Why didn't they have NOAH's bank accounts frozen immediately?  There was approximately $100,000 in checking and money market, with another $100,000 in restricted Certificates of Deposit.  The accounts of NOAH were never frozen.
4. Why did they give me a prioritized list of things to do for them in the 3 to 4 week transition period when it was decided I would stay with NOAH (October1).  Why would they allow a "thief" to continue to handle their financial information?  The amount he contributed to The NOAH Project was $3,775,000 over three years....I don't believe I mentioned that thus far.  If you decided to call that stolen...would you continue to work with me and NOT call the police?  Here are the specific priorities I was given for the month of October (the transition period): (1)  2002 Individual Tax Returns (done by CPA firm...I only had review function), (2)   their personal financial statements, and (3) divorce workpapers and schedules.
5. Why did I have several transition meetings with the contributor's business partner throughout the entire month of October during which I discussed and transferred completed work assignments and boxes of files.  Would you give a thief transition time?
6. At one of those transition meetings with his business partner on October 15, at the Whataburger on Coit Rd. in Plano, TX, I was asked what I saw as my ex-client's/contributor's exposure items in his divorce.  I named three major areas and was questioned further as to the details.  Why wasn't that brought up in the trial?  Isn't that a key to the motive?
7. The business partner of the contributor came to my house to get the remaining file boxes and the computer on October 28th.  If I was a thief, why didn't he bring the police or have the police handle it entirely?
8. On October 30th, after we determined we could not get emergency funding fast enough to keep the school open, the business partner came to the school with four large commercial moving vans to take the assets of NOAH saying they "would store them for us".  As it was explained, while we tried to reorganize NOAH, they would store these assets for three reasons (1) to prevent vandalism of said assets, (2) protect against claims from Landlord and (3) protect from claims of other creditors.  He asked me to sign what he called a "receipt" so if the police showed up and I was not present, then they would not be arrested for stealing NOAH's assets.  Why, if I had stolen the money, didn't they have the police confiscate these assets?
9. Why did they get away with saying the value of these assets was only $20,000 when the accounting books and support indicated it was worth well over $250,000?  What did they fill four large commercial moving vans with that only totaled up to $20,000?  If the assets only had a value of $20,000 why bother to go to so much effort?  Because $20,000 is all he recognized on his tax return as recovering.  Hmmm....a slight understatement.
10. The Directors and Officers insurance policy for NOAH expired the first week in October. Remember from the prior blog the contributor and his business partner had ownership in the insurance agency.  Why did someone from their insurance agency call me on the night of October 30th and try to convince me I had to extend NOAH's Director and Officer's policy to cover the end-days and protect the Board from any claims the parents or creditors might make?  When I told her we did not have the wherewithal to pay, she said they would pay it and I told her "NO, do not extend, do not pay that additional premium."  Their insurance agency went on to pay for that extension anyway.  They did not have my permission or NOAH's money.  Where are the papers for this?  It happened but nobody can come up with any signed papers for the extension.  Why not?  Because they do not exist, but the extension was put into place to cover the claim made by my ex-client.
11. Why did the DPD detective testify that it took three months to find me?  Mid-November to December 9th (1st conversation with detective) is only about 3 weeks - why wasn't he questioned about the timing?
12. Why did the detective get away with testifying that my mailbox at home in Plano was stuffed full like I had fled.  I moved out on the Saturday evening of December 6th and he first contacted me on December 9th.  I am certain my mailbox did not get stuffed to overflowing on Monday, December 8th....only one day of mail.  Why wasn't he further questioned?
13. Where are the audio tapes of the telephone conversations I had with the detective throughout December?  He testified I confessed several times.  That was an outright lie that was allowed to stay in. (1) I hadn't been mirandized and (2) it never happened.  How was that allowed to stay in the court records?  If the audio tapes had been entered into evidence, they would tell a very different story.
14. Why was the jury asked to decide if it was my signature on the contrived confession and NOT told that two forensics experts (Dallas County and Denton County) said the authenticity could not be determined?  Further, why wasn't the jury told that I repeatedly requested (in pretrial hearings) that the FBI do forensics on the contrived confession and the computer and was denied.
15. Why were most all my computer files withheld from my defense - claiming irrelevance and /or privilege?  I was not given an opportunity to review (in camera) with the judge those files and an opportunity to explain how they were needed in my defense.  Judge Faith Johnson said that is what would happen but never did.  Why was the computer never taken into evidence by the DA's office?  It had 15 years of files on it....a wealth of evidence for my defense.

The "I DON'T KNOW MEN"

There was a civil suit that paralleled the criminal case.  The two false insurance claims (thus the civil suit) were likely one of the main reasons for the criminal case instigated by my ex-client and his business partner.  The attempt to replace the charitable contributions made to The NOAH Project with insurance proceeds, when his separate property came under attack in the divorce proceedings, cannot be underestimated.  That is only next to the attack on me to make certain I did not reveal where all the skeletons were buried by destroying my credibility.

While on the face it was a collaborative divorce, litigation had been threatened.  Once threatened, within a month and half the charitable contributions ended. That was the time it took them to put the specific scheme in place.  Divorce had been imminent for years, with trial runs, but when there is so much money at stake, the plan requires time and fine tuning of intricate details along with a great deal of estate planning techniques.  It appears The NOAH Project and I became part of that plot (unknowingly) and we were the ultimate scapegoat as well as a significant distraction.  The NOAH Project was not the only dumping grounds for money he planned to recover once divorced it was just the most public.

The late afternoon of October 1st, 2003  I was notified of the end of the contributions and was asked if I wanted to stay with NOAH or go back full-time consulting with them.  Upon my choosing NOAH it appears the final details were worked out over the next six weeks and then the police were contacted.  If there had truly been a theft the police would have been contacted from the start.

The men who falsely accused me were real estate developers but also owners in the insurance agency that provided The NOAH Project's Directors' and Officers' policy (D&O), as well as the Property and Liability policies.  It was NOAH's D&O policy where one false claim was made.  The other false claim was with their own employee theft policy.  I had NEVER been their employee as I was self employed from the start of their businesses. 

The law suit relating to the D&O claim never even named me, although I was a Director and an Officer.  The law suit was filed days after the police were notified and was settled (for pennies on the dollar) approximately a year and a half before the trial, although it took some time for them to sign it as they took months working out a confidentiality clause preventing my Board members and ex-employee/officers from talking to me or anybody else about the settlement.  The main thing accomplished by saying they would settle is it stopped the computer forensics at the civil suit level.  As part of the civil suit discovery the insurance company had called for the computer that I had used so they could do forensics.  The fact that my ex-clients had my computer had been an omission on their part and came out during the depositions.  After many delay tactics the computer was turned over to the insurance company.  Just after the computer went to the insurance company and  BEFORE it underwent the forensic testing my false accusers decided to settle.  The threat of forensic testing appeared to be the catalyst for making a settlement of pennies on the dollar. 

It is thought the settlement only covered legal fees so little to no contributions were even recovered by the claim on the D&O policy.  The claim on the employee theft policy was out right turned down since it could not be proven I was ever an employee.  During the trial my ex-client admitted he received practically nothing on the insurance claims as part of his victim statement.  That statement was strategically placed after the conviction so he would never be questioned as to why his claims were not successful.  In fact I was told the insurance company settled on the D&O policy to "get rid of the bottom feeders", the insurance company knew they were lieing, it was obvious in the depositions...they just couldn't get them to go away any other way without expending a great deal more money.

The depositions relating to the civil suit were hundreds of pages long with my ex-clients and their company controller making several verifiable lies.  My trial attorney refused to investigate the lies I marked (with additional information) in the depositions, so nothing about the depositions was brought up in the trial.  In fact, placing those three depositions side by side, the answers among them were not even consistent.  They didn't agree among each other as to my job responsibilities, the date they supposedly found out about this or what they did within their own work responsibilities.  Sometimes they even changed their answers within their own deposition when a question was repeated.  Plus the false testimonies they made in my trial did not match the lies in the depositions.  But you know the old adage...people who lie cannot keep their stories straight.  My trial attorney also refused to bring up the inconsistencies between the civil case depositions and the trial testimonies.  One difference that was very obvious:  in the depositions they could "not recall" as a response to well over a hundred questions, thus they became known as the "I DON'T KNOW MEN".  In contrast,  in their trial testimonies (2 years after the depositions) they had answers to everything asked and had obviously been coached.  The choreographed performance by prosecution and state witnesses could have won Oscars.  As I sat at the defendent table I felt like I was at the movies...what was said coudn't be further from the truth and the jury bought their drama. My attorney played right into it, he could have brought out the lies,  all the inconsistencies and hundreds of questions that should have been asked were never asked.  Had he only been prepared and willing to defend me there would have been a different outcome.  It would appear my trial attorney joined the club of the I DON'T KNOW MEN.

My next blog will line out a list of the top questions that were never asked in the trial....and then, what about that computer?

WHAT'S THEIR MOTIVE?

When this happened, the first thing that came to me is WHY?  Why are these men doing this?  There must be a mistake.  I worked years for them, respected confidentiality, worked through nights and weekends if that is what it took to get a project done.  Took phone calls in the middle of the night when they worried about their investments and the financial markets.  I was there when they weren't sure if they could trust the banks and wondered if they should bury their money in the backyard to keep it safe.  These men were so focused on their money and watching every little penny even their ex-wives had to fight for years to get divorce settlements out of them.  These men defined MICRO-management when it came to their money and anything they invested in over the years.  So why were they doing this?  I was in the process of leaving them and placing all my energy on The NOAH Project and its growth...the three of us knew that was coming.  There was an on-going joke over the years...."If you ever decide to leave us, you know so much, we'll have to kill you."  It seemed funny at the time but now it wasn't funny at all....were they serious?  Were they doing this in the form of assassinating my character?

In December 2003 I had several phone conversations with Detective Zuczek (pronounced: Zoo-check) from DPD.  I could tell by his responses to my questions and requests that he didn't know much about white collar business or the other possibility is he had already decided I was guilty so anything I had to say was of no use. Then everything went silent. The next I heard from him was on April 5, 2004 when the Detective called and said there was a warrant out for my arrest, the Grand Jury had indicted me.  Forty eight hours later I was arrested and spent 7 days incarcerated while a bond was put in place.  During those 48 hours I had engaged an attorney to take my case.  As it turned out he also did not know much about white collar issues and had a fraud investigator in all our meetings to translate my business-speak.  A few weeks into this I found out he would have to hire somebody else to conduct the trial as he had failed to mention to me that he was not a trial attorney.  I knew I was not getting proper representation from this man who was negotiating a plea on the side (according to his assistant) even though I told him we had to go to trial, I would never plea to something I did not do.

I visited with a friend and his wife one evening to go over all that had happened.  He was a retired Air Force intelligence officer and had stayed connected to the intelligence community.  He immediately checked into other attorneys and found that one of Dallas's best white collar defense attorneys was Mark Perez. On my friend's recommendation and a meeting with Mr. Perez I moved my case to him.  My friend, on the other hand, started an open Internet chat for me.  He would sometimes ask me specific questions and other times he would tell me to just type in the chat everything that came to my mind that happened over the 20 years I worked for these men.  He said to focus on anything that would give rise to the reasons they would set me up.  In other words, anything I knew that they would not want others to know.  Also, anything that I remembered that was odd, or out of place....anything that just stood out.  He also questioned me extensively on all the details of my case.  I printed out all of these chats and organized them chronologically in notebooks.  The Internet chat dialogues sit about a foot high.  I have always had a photographic memory of events which certainly revealed itself in the dialogues.  I charted things when asked and flow-charted organization structures so the details were clear and easier to understand for all those reviewing this information.  I was under the impression that my friend had included others in the questioning of me and processing the volumes of information I provided.  The chats were done over a period of about a year.

During this time I had to change attorneys once again.  Mr. Perez was asking for an additional $50,000 to go to trial.  My family and I could not come up with that.  In fact, as you saw in a previous blog, for a time I had to move to a homeless (transitional living) shelter because we were all out of money.  The court recognized me as indigent (unable to pay legal fees) and appointed an attorney for me.  From the start Mr. Birdsall did not want to listen to the details of my case, was argumentative and said he did not know how to present my case to a jury.  He tried to withdraw from my case and I asked he be taken off my case but both requests were denied by the court.  Since he repeatedly told me he did not know how to defend me I gave him a copy of all the Internet chats I had accumulated on my case, highlighted with the most pertinent points.  Because he wasn't willing to listen to me I thought he might be willing to read.   He kept it but refused to read it and gave it back to me shortly before the trial.  Within those chats were the detail time lines of all that happened in the events of my case, questionable actions over the years of my clients' (false accusers) and an outline of how to proceed with my defense.  I would tell him this every time he told me he didn't know how to defend me but still he would not read it or give me the time to go over all the details with him.  In fact his argument when he tried to withdraw from the case was that he did not have time for the case and we had a conflict of strategy.  Several times my husband and I asked him what his strategy was but he would not answer. 

I had almost four years of continuances and pre-trial hearings.  During that time all that I needed for my defense was either thrown out as "irrelevant" or "privileged".  The men who falsely accused me were allowed to choose what I could use in my defense which was nothing of any value and they knew it.  Their civil attorneys ran the show in the pre-trial hearings, the prosecutor was just a mouth piece for them.  Further, the man who knew my case inside and out, my friend who conducted the Internet chats, was never even called to testify on my behalf.  When I asked my attorney about him the day before the trial was to start...he just responded, "He doesn't know anything." He never even talked to him, much less subpoenaed him as a witness in my trial, as I had requested.

I will explain more in the next blog about depositions from the civil case that ran parallel to my criminal case.  Also coming...what happened to the computer?!  Until next time....

The NOAH Project

The NOAH Project was very different.  It received attention from CBS out of New York before it was even opened.  A reporter, researching autism treatment programs, read our website and insisted on doing a piece on us.  He seemed as anxious to see us finally open in October 2002 as several of the parents were.  Within just a couple weeks after opening the filming crew and reporter came down from New York City.  They spent a day filming us: our students in their program, many of the parents were interviewed and I also answered several questions.  The segment aired nationally on November 24, 2002, between 6:00 and 6:30 PM, with John Roberts as anchor.  As a result of the televised segment with CBS Evening News we had hundreds of calls and were able to create a waiting list of families from around the world who wanted their child to attend.  In fact, we started discussing the build-out of an international school with a local developer (an associate of my clients) who had multi-use land and wanted to develop an entire international community around the school.  Her vision for Dallas was that of becoming an international center for medical research and she felt this would be a great boost with autism ("a medical mystery") on the rise.

It was a long road in the development of this school.  While the vision for the school came in an instant, the work needed to bring it to fruition took some years.  During 1998 and 1999 I did the initial research, wrote articles in local magazines and had meetings with the attorney to get the organization set up and the Board members in place.  In December 1999 The NOAH Project's non-profit Articles of Incorporation were filed with the State of Texas. Following that filing we (the initial Board members) had brainstorming meetings, did market research and strategy planning, plus provided a free public speaking series.  The attendance at the speaking series was sometimes as high as 500 people.  Its purpose was to provide families, educators and therapists with an alternative way of working with our special kids, in addition to teaching about special nutritional and diet needs for these children and special therapies such as Auditory Integration Training.  We built community in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, a place for sharing ideas, discussing challenges, supporting one another and constructing the most positive attitudes and beliefs about our children. 

The Federal non-profit status, called a 501(c)3, was approved by the Internal Revenue Service in October 2001.  The man who anonymously contributed to the school and made it all possible was named in the application for the 501(c)3 as the major contributor. The determination from IRS and his willingness to contribute allowed us to move forward with the school, seeking an appropriate site.  It was another year, October 2002, before the building was completed and the school opened.  The building specifications were extensive and considered "special-use" as all the childrens' individual play/work rooms were sound-proofed, every two rooms shared a bathroom and all rooms were monitored constantly.  Each child's room also had an observation room attached and outside of every two rooms was a computer station for the recording of each session with the child.  The security system was state of the art because these kids are known as escape artist, even under the best of supervision.

Because of the one-on-one method of working with each child and the intense training and feedback required for each child facilitator/teacher it was a costly program.  We knew this and budgeted for this from the start.  The program included meeting with each child's parents every two weeks, goal setting meetings every week (the children were progressing very rapidly) and constant feedback sessions to the facilitators as well as the parents if they were wanting to be trained so as to continue the program at home in the evenings and on the weekends.  The annual cost per child to run their program was $100,000.  We decided on an annual tuition of $20,000 with the remainder to be absorbed by contributions initially, then research grants, foundations and additional individual contributions once up, running and observable.  It was the belief of the major contributor that NIH, universities and foundations would best be able to understand our program and the differences from the public school system if they could actually observe it in progress.  Thus the order of the funding priorities was set and the business plan in place and well documented.

I wanted you to have a good picture of the school and the program before getting into the details of my case and the drawing of time lines and events.  This is something the jury was not allowed because of the Motion in Limine which did not allow us to talk about the school, the children, their progress or ANY "bad acts" of the two men who falsely accused me, including the bad act of falsely accusing me!!  The prosecution filed this 10 days before trial....that Motion guaranteed the prosecution a win for many reasons which I will discuss further in future blogs.

Take a tour of The NOAH Project below....

Child's program, she is looking in one way mirror at herself

Child's program

Child's program, great eye contact, a great invitation to our world!!

Child's program

Child's program - the best way to make that connection is to wholeheartedly join.  When we join they are no longer in their world alone. They are not forced or told to look at us, we are positioned to get eye contact and we make sure that eye contact (sometimes just fleeting) is the most welcoming and non-judgemental connection.  We never move against a child but go with them.

Gymnasium

Observation room, outside each child's work/playroom, with one-way mirror looking into room

Monitor room, 2 people watching all rooms all the time, rotate personnel every hour to stay fresh

Computer station for recording session's data outside child's room

Children's work/playrooms on both sides of hallway, computer station outside. The purple rooms are the observation rooms, the shorter cubicles are the computer stations, and the child's rooms are just beyond (attached to) the observation rooms. All sound proofed so as to quiet their environment.

My Nate working with teacher at computer - increased his speech

My Nate walking with a teacher, good eye contact, trusting relationship

     

THE NEW YEAR IS HERE!!

It's time!  It's time to get this case done...it has now lasted over seven years.  I'm sure all of you have outstanding things that need to get finished.  Join me in resolving to just get it done this year.  Now is the time.  Get it done and move on.  I think that is what I want most, to just move on with my life.  It's hard to believe two men and their lies could effect so many lives.  It changed the events and direction of my life forever. It has effected all those who are close to me, most especially my two boys, my husband, my mom and sister and all those who have helped my family and I  in so many different ways.  And I can't forget the negative influence it had on my dad's deteriorating health before he died.  You know it had to have effected all those who falsely testified, and all the others who were drawn into the scheme one way or another....that number is far greater than the few who lied on the stand.

One of the things I think about the most though is how it impacted the kids (and their families) who attended The NOAH Project.  Many of you do not know how this all started.  I will tell you. 

I developed, along with a core group of Board members, a special school for children with autism, which was designed to eventually include kids with ADD and ADHD as well as other learning differences.  The school was named The NOAH Project.  It incorporated the best therapies and methodologies, including special gluten and casein-free diet and nutritional intervention.   One man, Eric Williams, the Director of Reese Technology of Lubbock, Texas testified it was a state of the art [school/program], he had seen nothing else like it any where in the world.  He described it as in a class all its own.  We took a program that had always been home-based and put it into a school setting.  The program results had always been reported in an anecdotal way.  We were changing that by recording the details of every session in computers outside each child's play/work room and accumulating that data for research.  We were pursuing research grants with NIH (National Institute of Health), in partnership with several Texas universities.  With regard to the universities, talks and plans had progressed furthest with Texas Tech University (Special Ed) and Reese Technology in Lubbock, but we were also in discussions with University of Texas - Austin (Special Ed) as well as University of Texas - Southwest Medical School in Dallas (Child Psychiatric Dept) and had just begun talking to medical people at Baylor in Dallas. 

Everybody was impressed with what they saw at the school and the initial progress of all children who attended the school.  Children who had never talked in their life (even the 10 -12 year olds) were now speaking in meaningful phrases and occasional sentences.  All the children were making progress that was believed would never happen....connecting in ways that previously seemed impossible...calling out Mom and Dad's name for the first time, making eye contact, playing interactive games, laughing and interacting in the most spontaneous way.  Miracles every single day.  These were kids who previously had been obsessed with the most rigid of routines and never chanced even fleeting eye contact, rocking back and forth for hours, flapping their hands, or even screaming for long periods of time with their hands over their ears.  With the program we were able to quiet their environment and be there with them, joining them in their world, in the most unobtrusive way.  Building trust and eventually a bridge over to our world.

I directed this school on a volunteer basis while I continued to do my accounting and finance business.  I had worked with my clients for approximately twenty years.  Originally we all worked together in the Trammell Crow Company, but as they left Crow and started their own companies I worked on a consulting basis for them and their companies.   As an anonymous donor one of those clients agreed to fund the school in its build-out and initial operations while we were securing grants and other charitable contributions.  I also contributed approximately $50,000 each year.  I was surprised when he called me one day and said he could no longer fund due to his divorce.  We scrambled trying to obtain emergency funding while we took the extra time needed to get grants in place.  Parents and board members alike came forward in this endeavor, nobody wanted to see the school close.  We did have to close the school after one year of operations and amazing results just 30 days after the notification from my client.  My clients and I had decided to do a one month transition period (coinciding with that 30  days) where I finished work for them, then continued on with the school, trying to keep it open or reorganize it so we could reopen.

You can imagine my surprise and shock when I received a call from a Dallas police detective, about a month after the closing, saying I was being accused of stealing the money to fund the school.  I immediately told the detective to obtain the computer and its records from my now ex-clients.  He did not do it.  That was the beginning of Dallas County's attempt to hide my innocence at any cost, in favor of the very wealthy and influential men of Dallas County, my ex-clients.

And that is how all this began.  I will continue to blog the details.  I have received the go-ahead from my habeas attorney to "blog-away" with regard to my case.  Everything I am telling you here is part of public records.

At The NOAH Project one of our main beliefs was: A relationship building, intensive, one-on-one, child-led program is a key to opening the doors to emerge from autism.............

NO Christmas Turkey!

I have changed the name of my blog so as to be more specific about its contents...and hopefully draw some new people who have been through similar experiences or have witnessed this in some form.  As I've mentioned in previous blogs what happened to me is not unique but happens a lot more often than you would imagine.  Many people just give up and take what the system initially deals them because they feel like it is too big and powerful to fight....those we never hear from unless we're on the "inside" listening.

Today I am going to deviate from my usual discussion and share with you a different story.  We have recently been denied food stamps but still struggle with not enough money, between Ron's disability (going blind) and my forced label of FELON and inability to get work because of it.  My sister and her husband have helped throughout this ordeal and because of them we have been able to pay rent and utilities.  My son, Brandon, works at the best meat market in all of North Texas and his employer has donated food to us, likewise with Ron's brother and the local food pantries.  Others have helped us in big ways too....please don't misunderstand... this is NOT a call for help....but I had to set-up the story I'm about to tell you!

Christmas morning, Brandon, my budding chef (18 years old and studying at the local community college to be a chef) jumped out of bed, ran to the kitchen and decided to make a chuck roast (donated by his boss) for Christmas.  Now who would have thought to have that for Christmas?  Not I!!  He worked hard at browning and seasoning that roast to perfection, then added water and cooked it very slowly.  He allowed me to wash and cut the veggies (a clerical job saved for underlings) and he then continued to monitor the roast for another 3 hours.  In the meantime, he decided we needed to start cooking the stuffed chicken that Ron's brother brought us the day before.  That chicken came from wonderful Whole Foods and was stuffed with everything healthy and tasty...spinach, garlic, pine nuts and feta cheese...WOOEEEE!! 

I think you've got the picture now...we had a feast like none other!!  A Christmas to remember!  The biggest celebration for a mom returned home from prison...ALL of it just brought tears to my eyes.  I am so grateful to be back with my family.  We had the best Christmas ever with less money than we've ever had.  What a blessing.  God is so good.

'TIS THE SEASON - CHRISTMAS PRESENT

My Dear Friends,

I have shared with you my past three Christmases, it seems only right to share with you this Christmas.  I am so grateful to be home with family, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.  This experience over the past seven years has changed my perspective a bit.  My thoughts wonder to the people in prison, men and women, trying to make the most of a difficult situation.  Well, you may say, but they deserve what they have.  Not all of them and really nobody deserves to be treated like an animal, or in many cases worse than an animal.  Our justice system has proven to me that it is a very inaccurate and ineffective tool for controlling society.

On the other hand I remember while at Lew Sterrett (the Dallas County jail) where I stayed for 19 months following the trial there were many homeless people who got themselves arrested around Thanksgiving and hoped to stay through the cold months saying how grateful they were for a warm place to stay, a bed, three meals, TV and some antibiotics.  So in that respect the county jail acts like a homeless shelter.  Since I was there for two holiday seasons I sure enough saw some of the same faces coming through the second or even third time.  It works...the County gets paid to house these so-called criminals.  I wondered many times if taxpayers have any idea what their tax dollars are paying for and how inefficiently it is spent.  Is it all taxpayers' responsibility to support the homeless anyway or is it for each person to decide whether (or not) to attend to society's little (getting bigger) problem through charitable contributions?  Does anybody have any idea the payroll cost associated with these institutions?  Is the growth created by the need to fund the big-business prison and jail systems, a definite growth industry, or is it created by more people becoming criminal , or more people becoming homeless?  Something to think about.

During the four years coming up to the trial there was a short time where we had to live at a homeless shelter, one that was set up as "transitional living".  The costs of legal fees, having to support a family when I could no longer find a job as a result of the false allegations and spending many days, nights and weeks at Children's Hospital with my special needs son, Nate, left me with no alternative but to live at the shelter. Once Nate's health stabilized and through a friend I interviewed with a business owner who was willing to hire me, I was able to earn enough money to move out after about eight months.  The shelter was nothing like I imagined.  I found many wonderful people among the residents, many with unusual and difficult circumstances.  The unusual became the norm.  We were supportive of one another and in spite of the voluminous rules (very much like prison - only with family together) we were able to celebrate holidays and good fortune in finding employment and places to live outside the shelter.

Yesterday I visited this shelter for a few minutes.  I was in the front lobby when a couple came in with some charitable contributions in the form of food.  Upon leaving, the woman was explaining how some of the food was for the "normal" people referring to the staff and the other food was for the "others".  Hmmm, I thought what exactly is normal?  I am sitting here today thinking I used to be like that woman, the one who looked down and pitied the "others".  I'll be honest I did!!  I've had some real eye-opening and humbling experiences...and come to know we are all just people....with similar wants and needs.  BUT...just people!!  I remember while in prison several friends didn't know what to say to me so they did not write or wrote with such caution.  All along I was just the same person, with all the same interests wanting to just share our lives, wherever each of us were at the time. 

I am hopeful that I remember these valuable lessons for the rest of my life and always know that others are, in fact, EQUAL.  No "one-up" and no "one-down" conversations or thoughts.  How useful is this attitude in all of our interactions with our loved ones, friends, business associates, neighbors and really all those around the world.  No need to judge, just love, just care, just be a part of humanity with our many human conditions.  Now there is a Merry Christmas thought I can live with.  Let's celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and all that His life taught us.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!   Here are pictures of Nate (19) playing Santa Clause and Brandon (18) always the best dressed.

CHRISTMASes PAST

My favorite time of the year has always been Thanksgiving to Christmas...to me its some of the best family time.  During the almost three years I was incarcerated I went through three Christmas seasons, each year I was bound and determined to send a Christmas letter, as was my way in the free world.  So I made up a letter and hand wrote it about 20 times....then sent it to my friends and family that were writing me while I was locked up.  The first couple years I decorated the ruled notebook paper it was written on with little paintings of holly and candles.  We were not allowed colored pens or markers so using water I melted the color off of candies such as Skittles, M&M's and Fireballs, then used a toothbrush and the tip of pens as a paint brush.  It was fun, and kept my mood festive while I did my big project.

I want to share with you the three letters I wrote, you will see my journey and my determination to stay positive and keep my chin up:

CHRISTMAS 2007 (my trial was in September of 2007):

Dear Family & Friends,

     As I reflect on the past year, what I see is there is nothing more important than God, family, friends and the memories we create for ourselves and loved ones through our relationships.  Certainly my own experiences over the year have brought me to question my faith, the validity of an archaic justice system (one driven by money and power) and the ability to trust my fellow human beings.  Ultimately, it is my faith that allows me to move on and to believe that God, and only God, can cause my false accusers to come to justice, and for me to understand it may not happen in my time or even become a part of my knowledge.

     I am so proud of Nathan and Brandon [my two sons].  In their own ways, each of them stood up for me and their beliefs in what was right during the days of my trial and sentencing.  The Judge admonished me "on record" for dragging them into the process.  [Actually I did NOT want to but my attorney insisted.]  Once I finally had time to reflect following the trial and consider what the judge said I realized that their involvement could actually prove to be a milestone in their lives.  Learning to speak up and in Nate's case to show up, to be there for a loved one and to stand up for what is right even in the face of an unfair system are all tremendous lessons.  Likewise, Ron [my husband] and his constant love and dedication has kept the boys and I going under these difficult circumstances.  There are always blessings hidden in the worst of times, available for the plucking if we choose.

     Living in gratitude changes our experiences in life and polishes our own humanity, the very core of our being.  Nobody can take that away from any of us.

     Years ago I heard told a story....and included it in some of my public speaking from time to time.  I want to share it again here.  There was a small poem found carved in a rock in Europe following World War II.  It goes like this:

           I believe in the sun.....

               even when it does not shine.

          I believe in love.....

               even when I do not feel it.

          I believe in God.....

               even when I do not see Him.

     Powerful words to live by. Beliefs are everything.  They truly mold our existence.  Have a great holiday season and best wishes in the New Year.  

                                                With Love,  Audrey


CHRISTMAS 2008:
Dear Friends and Family,
     Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!  As I strive to understand what has transpired in my life over the past five years I am encouraged by my favorite Bible verse:

          1 Corinthians 13:13  Three things will last forever
               faith, hope and love
               and the greatest of these is love.

     Thank you for being in my life.
                                    With Love,  Audrey

CHRISTMAS 2009:

Dear Friends & Family,

     Welcome to my world.  Just for one minute of your Christmas season.  The world inside - not the free world as you know it.  But, a world defined by locks, bars, heavy metal doors, counts every couple hours, rules and regulations for every breath taken.  Nothing private, no ownership, permission required for every step of the way.  Women grieving - loss of their life, loss of what they once dreamed their life could be, loss of their children, loss of their husband or boyfriend, family as we know it.

     But in the midst of tears, the haze from psych drugs so freely given and the paralyzing fear of authority gone out of control....there is a reaching out for some human comfort, some connect to another person, something greater than each one by ourselves.  Thus creating a giant dysfunctional family - nonetheless - some similance of a family.  We decorate our doors and walls of the day room for the holiday season....knowing there will be no material gifts, no happy children dancing under the tree, no Christmas parties, no Christmas lights, no Christmas candles, no Christmas shopping.

     We attend as many services and Bible studies as we can, hoping for acceptance from an outside volunteer and praying for God to hear our cries for freedom.  And, if not freedom - then, at least, the safety and health of our loved ones - never forgotten - always held close to our hearts, even as we sit here in our invisible world being invisible people to society.

     Those in charge cannot strip us of our souls, our spiritual beliefs....no matter how many humiliating strip searches they do.  They cannot shatter our goodness...no matter how much they bully us or lie about us.  Ultimately we find we are in charge of our own happiness, our attitudes, our own well-being as we forge through a system that does not want rehabilitation but depends on recidivism for the funding of their paychecks and the maintenance and growth of their fortresses.

     It is God, the reading of His word and speaking to Him daily through prayers which insures our sanity.  And when one of us goes astray through depression or anger, the others pull that person back in and together we walk down the long, empty, cold hallways to the next service or Bible class...and we learn...therein lies the greatest gift of all...the gift of everlasting life....John 3:16.

     Merry Christmas & Best wishes in the New Year...from inside....

                                     Love,  Audrey

HOPE

I had been incarcerated about a year following my trial when one Sunday morning I woke up with HOPE on my mind and knew I had to write.  We always had breakfast about 4a.m.  Once everybody ate they all went back to sleep as was the routine on Sunday mornings.  So I sat down by myself on that peaceful morning and wrote the following in about 5 minutes and smiled the rest of the day.

People seem amazed saying I never stop, I never give up, even after 5 long years of this struggle [4 years prior to the trial and 1 year incarcerated].  The truth is hope never gave up on me!  I wasn't able to stop it even when I tried (and I did!):

• I could stomp on it.
• I could spit on it.
• I could call it "false".
• I could even fool myself, for a moment, into believing I could turn my back and walk away from it.

But, I finally reached the conclusion, so long as one chooses life, there is hope.  Hope is part of the human spirit, the underlying belly of faith, a driving force in our existence:

• Hope is persistent.
• Hope is audacious.
• Hope is fathomless.
• Hope has no bounds.
• Hope soars in the face of potential destruction.

When I set aside anger, sadness, resentment and have exhausted the victim script...there remains HOPE, as solid as the earth and as ethereal as God Himself.

To this day I refer back to this when I get to thinking this will never end.  I also have to remind myself all things have beginnings and endings.

LIFE EQUATIONS

As most of you know I have a love for math, that has existed as far back as I can remember.  My tendency is to think in math concepts and terminology.  So for you that see math as painful...I want you to give this blog a chance...I think you will find it interesting how I move from math to real life situations in this predominant left brain of mine.  As you know by now...I am sharing with you some of my writings while incarcerated as well as some of the details of my case.  All of that is present in this blog.  When I am especially under stress I turn to my mathematical mind to try and make sense and order out of the details.  Following is another of my book excepts, written while in Dallas County Jail, following my trial:

Life is full of variables, a set of multiple equations, some things known and some things unknown.  Multiple equations, multiple variables within the equations, most times needing to be solved simultaneously.  That is how I would define the case against me.

If you think back to math class when you are first learning to solve for 'x'. you have one variable and life at that time can be that simple.  So many decisions are already made for you in those early years.  As a child, quite often, all that you have to decide is how you attend what is placed in front of you.  What value will you assign to 'x', with 'x' representing attitude?  Will you decide to respond with a positive attitude or will you meet the stimulus with confusion, rebellion or indifference?

Each of us, as a child and as maturing adults will forever effect the paths we follow, through our decisions.  Our beliefs form our thoughts and decisions.  Our decisions set our actions.  Our actions develop our patterns and habits.  Through this we cultivate our character and that leads each of us to where we are today and where we are heading.  We need to embrace this process and own it.  Taking ownership at each step of the way will allow us to see all opportunities presented.  The outcome is only limited to the blinders we each choose.  Therefore, it is necessary to take off the blinders (i.e. fear, rebellion, anger....) and set healthy boundaries so that we might move forward to the unknown in the best way.  It is not over until we are finished.  We make our choices which are allowed through our God given free will.

With that said, I sit in Dallas County jail knowing that it is not over!  So long as I am breathing, my heart is pumping and my brain waves are active, I have the opportunity and the mental and emotional wherewithal to solve the simultaneous equations, solve for the variables that will set me free.

Some of the verifiable knowns in the equations of my case are:

1. false depositions by complainants
2. false testimonies by state witnesses, including DPD detective
3. withheld exculpatory evidence
4. insurance fraud by false accusers
5. contrived confession and forgery by false accusers, supposedly non-forensic testable
6. divorce fraud by false accusers
7. underlying politics/politicians cover up
8. violation of civil rights, including lack of competent defense
9. corrupt state justice system, not interested in truth, focused on conviction only

Whereas some of the variables are:

1. Will all things necessary to reveal the truth be presented in the habeas application?
2. How will my past trial attorney respond to allegations in the habeas?
3. Integrity of state justice system NOW (first filed with court who tried me)?
4. Will the habeas process and truth be honored by the state appeals court?
5. If not, will there be integrity in the Federal justice system?
6. If not, will the Supreme Court prove to be just?

Where is my freedom?  The answer lies in this complex set of equations, constantly evolving, plus the ability to sort out the truly relevant from the extraneous.  One has to believe that good will prevail and that the justice system actually does work at some level in order to continue.  It all starts with belief.

I was meeting with my habeas attorney this past Friday and telling him that I no longer believe in the justice system.  He so astutely pointed out that was not true, because I would not be sitting across from him, working hard on the habeas if I believed that.  So often we need someone to point out the obvious.  So as much as I like Forest Gump ("life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you are going to get"), I choose to believe life is a set of equations, for which we definitely have input.  What set of equations do you have to solve for?